It seems like the snarky tchotchke shops and urban screen printed posters get me. Products with raw, unflinching, and graphic nature express many of my mid-life thoughts and feelings. It gets me thinking, “How can this tin of mints or pair of socks be more confident then me?” The messaging is aspiring and weirdly shaming. Maybe my affinity to them is growing louder now because I am finally realizing that the shame I’ve been carrying isn’t unlike what others are carrying AND that the shame I feel from others is coming from confident yet fragile, scared, immature individuals. Maybe these confident shame specters need a mint from this “Fuckity Fuck” tin I saw at Urban Outfitters. Maybe they need to “garden ho” some more! So, what is the practice?
less fucks for them, more fucks for me
“The question is simply how we each choose to allot our fucks.” – Mark Manson
I have NOT read Manson’s book purposefully – in the airport and at Barnes and Noble, it gave me Eat, Pray, Love white privilege vibes with a side of bro-fanity. The typography was bold and the contrasting colors really appealed to me, but I just couldn’t give any fucks to yet another Tim Ferris-like author. I know that Elizabeth Gilbert (EPL book), Ferris, and Manson have helped numerous people progress in their lives, but I have a very hard time following those that are privileged with systemic advantages. I mean, I could never get away with writing the following and have people take me seriously.
“Fucks are cultivated like a beautiful fucking garden, where if you fuck shit up and the fucks get fucked, then you’ve fucking fucked your fucks all the fuck up.” – Mason
It is fucking cute, Mr. Manson, but not me. Well, maybe tipsy-drunk me in Vegas, but not Me-me. While I love a well placed “fuck” within my storytelling, it cannot take over my persona like the valley girl’s use of “like”. So, how to I want to practice “less fucks for them, more fucks for me” while channeling my inner articulate Obama?
Obama wouldn’t “allot fucks” but he might try to make meaning of what we want and how we plan on obtaining it. He would lay out the plan with calm confidence so that any and all could follow it if they desired. So, maybe that’s my approach – some well placed swearing PLUS a calm articulation of how I will be progressing.
I like to make meaning of what I want and how to obtain it. I do this weekly with others (Empathy Standup through Empathy Lab), it seems powerful, so why don’t I utilize this practice with myself.
Step #1 What are my wants? WIP
All too often I over-care about what it is someone else wants over what it is that I want. I defer way too much to others and as a good leader, I eat last, hold the door, clean the dishes. While I don’t need to stop doing most of these things because I am a good human, I need to make sure that in the periphery, I identify what it is that I want and put work in to get it. Simple – what do I want? HAHAH, if it were that simple, I might have figured it out by now.
46 years later, here’s my overarching generic answer since I am still figuring out what I want (and fighting the gremlins):
- I want clarity in my wants, desire, and needs WHILE simultaneously giving less “fuckity fucks” about what others thinks, feel, etc.
Step #2 – I must act on my wants.
Okay, I figured out some wants, great job Bash! This is where “less fucks” come in. In order for me to get more of what I want out of this short life, I must push through my gremlin’s need for everyone’s approval. My wants don’t need to be approved by a board of trustees, my parents, my wife, or my kids. While I must remain trustworthy and responsible, a fucking GREAT life requires me to expand and grow myself without asking for permission from anyone.
What do you want AN what are you going to do about it?
Fuckity fuck – be a garden ho!
Failed attempts to get what you want ≠ forgiveness.
I’ve always hated the “ask for forgiveness, not permission” motivational posters. I think I’ve not liked the “ask for forgiveness” part because it admits to doing something wrong. Just because an attempt failed doesn’t mean that you were wrong and should be ashamed for trying. Maybe I’ve not liked the “ask for forgiveness” because it lacks specificity and places the blame squarely on me as a person, and not on my attempt or behavior. If shit hits the fan after a valid attempt maybe the equation for forgiveness is much less simple? Maybe my problem with “forgiveness” needs a diagram…here:
Old model of radical progress.
New model of humanized radical progress.
So, maybe we just move radically forward with kindness, not forgiveness. We clean up the messes we make, move on, apologize for the outcome of our behaviors when necessary, and help others do the same. Uncage ourselves from fears of failure by baking in how to utilize failure as a catalyst. Also, as a human, stop fail judging others for trying and start cheerleading them on for attempts, growth, and trying. Not participation trophies or ribbons, just kindness for a life lived to its fullest.
So, go be a minty garden ho and give less fuckity fucks out there.
Yes, I still owe myself a list of wants. I want to keep writing random stuff like this, sketching out little pictures, making diagrams of thoughts, hugging my friends, running trails, drinking good bourbon, beer, wine, and coffee, working out to enjoy my body, read good books to expand my mind, put poor books down to stop wasting time, enjoy more intimacy and sex, walk more, garden more, dance more, and stop being distracted by this computer that I am writing on (especially by Linkedin, IG, etc.). There, lovely garden ho’s, there are some of my wants!
I want to write more letters too…with stamps and maybe on a typewriter.
I want a record player and collect records that my mom would have enjoyed listening to.
I want you to have a great day.
PS: This has been sitting in my draft folder for about a month now…with 174 other unpublished works of words. You don’t have to read anything I write, I am not trying to impress an audience. I think I am just trying to be me, out loud. For those that care to make noise with me – great. For those that find me noisy – move on. It’s cool. Be cool.
Hello, I am Shelton. 