renew not refilled

Morning walk

April 3, 2022

Some days I am compelled beyond sleep and cold weather to get up and walk outside. Yesterday was full of beautiful experiences and difficult conversations/realizations. We celebrated J’s 11th birthday by getting Korean BBQ, bowling, and opening gifts I brought back from Morocco. It was incredible, something I hope she remembers for quite some time. Yesterday was also difficult; conversations about money, family, love, and trust. I was sad, angry, felt very alone, raised my voice, said difficult to hear things to L and cried a lot. At the end I realized, I am still grieving. Clock time doesn’t relieve the pain of missing someone or fill the hole that was left. Clock time, chronos, is for work. It takes psychological time, Kairos, to move through this loss, this pain, and the realization that the hole cannot be refilled. I’m still working on this, working on me, working on not hiding from my reality, working on my progressive evolution. This morning’s sunrise was an exercise in being present with me, taking in the colors. Listening to the birds and feeling the cold chill on my hands.

Evolution isn’t about refilling the present with that which we loved in the past. It’s about celebrating that which we loved in the past and being present enough to attract similar energy Now.

Renew, don’t refill. Evolve forward.

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