“Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.”
—THICH NHAT HANH, No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering
I really like getting dirty, yet I live in a world where cleanliness and comfort reigns supreme from his monotheistic authoritarian throne. Yes, I know the title is provocative, and this is on purpose. I tend to avoid provocation and err on the side of “don’t disturb” so that I can avoid feeling shame or disappointment from those I don’t know or care about. I think that I need to be more disruptive while I am alive, because there will come a time when I cannot.
I believe that when we don’t talk about the dirt, muck, bodily fluids, hurt feelings, under-formed opinions, our addictions, our hangups, our kinks, our political stances, or our squeamishness, we reduce our potential for growth and actively build resentment. We know the results all too well: companies shut down, long marriages and partnerships end in nasty divorces, friendships fizzle, and communities implode when we don’t talk about the elephants in the room. We hold each other hostage in a toxic comfort and positivity shame spiral in order to avoid the mud and dirt.
As my dental hygienist told me years ago, “Floss the teeth you want to keep.” Maybe my “let’s get dirty” line is, “Play in the dirt you don’t want to be buried under.”
During lunch at Taqueria Del Sol with Laura today, she captured my pattern of thinking quite well: “You get frustrated trying to change the world, to make the world just and fair, and your plans are almost always correct… but that’s not your job… and most of the people in the world don’t want to change.”
She’s not wrong. I tie myself up in knots with macro-problems that I cannot control. While my beliefs and approaches aren’t incorrect, I have a default scaling problem that I blame on many years of work in start-ups and corporate America. I try to solve for big problems because that’s been my job, and I’ve had millions of dollars and teams of people backing me. Did we actually solve the problems? Meh, somewhat. We designed experiences to scale profits, but typically underperformed on the pain or problem reduction.
My enjoyment of being in “difficult conversations” really comes from the growth on the other side, the lotus that comes out of the mud. It is easy to do this one on one with another person, or in a small group, but I cannot decree the merits of difficult conversations to the world and expect systems and people to immediately change because of my brilliance. Yes, I can lead by example and will continue, but I cannot be frustrated when the world fails to follow my direction. No more leading horses to water or people to their own dirt. My capacity and energy need to be spent with the people around me, not the population, country, nation, or world I am within.
Getting dirty with friends and family so that we can grow, YES! Getting dirty with strangers, yes, but only if they pay me and let me lead.
Speaking of getting dirty with strangers, I am on my way to becoming a professional neutral and mediator. For over 20 years I’ve practiced as an industrial and user experience designer and researcher. I’ve been paid to listen to people’s problem and create solutions. Along the way I’ve explored psychology and therapy, somatics, human sexuality and relationships, and law and arbitration, all as avenues for my skill set and my desire to “get dirty.” Helping individuals, couples, and groups through their disagreements, pain, and conflict as a mediator and neutral is a good fit as I adjust my problem-solving scale. I am here for the mud and dirt so that we can grow some lotuses and sunflowers.
Areas of mediation that I am interested in:
- Marriage Mediation – see about growing new flowers within the marriage before it’s too late. Marriage counseling with less woo, less exhaustive historic drama, and more present and forward looking action items.
- Divorce Mediation – salvage the flowers you’ve grown together so that you can move on without too much additional pain and/or lawyer fees.
- Technology / Corporate Mediation – since I’ve been in the weeds, help others get out in a more fruitful way before arbitration and lawyer fees mount.
- Relationship Mediation – maybe there isn’t a lawsuit pending, but people in a relationship that desire it to continue and are at a loss as to how to make it work together. Let’s get dirty!
All words are mine, Claude helped me organize my thoughts and correct my grammar.
